June 17 – June 23, 2013
You guys. What do you think Kanye gave himself for Father’s Day? I’m actually pretty pissed that they didn’t tape the birth of Kimye’s baby for Keeping Up With the Kardashians because 1. there’s no way we’ve yet to see an ugly cry uglier than when Kim Kardashian is having a natural birth and 2. I would LOVE to watch Kanye function under that kind of kraziness. He seems like he’d be the kind of daddy-in-waiting who passes out dramatically in scrubs during the delivery. (Scrubs of his own design, obvi.) Either that or he’s just like, furiously writing rhymes in the corner while Kim is moaning bloody murder. And then he like, takes a step further than Jay-Z did with Blue Ivy and uses KIM’s screams instead of the newborn baby’s for the intro of his next track, tentatively titled “Big Baby Yeezus.” He gives NO fucks AT ALL. (Also: Whoever got to the “Kim and Kanye’s baby leaked a month early” joke first — You win all the fucks.)
Do you guys think Kim had an on-call Glam Squad? What kind of shading techniques do you use to reduce the appearance of a swollen vagina? Considering she wore leather and Loubs until the final days of her pregnancy, I’d be willing to bet that Kimmy K had an outfit change for every centimeter she dilated. C-Section? Perfect! So glad we packed that two-piece crop top set. I’ll give her one thing: She is not a basic bitch.
I’m really thankful for my dad though. And I’m not just saying that because he recently found this website and now knows that I once ate $22 worth of Taco Bell. When I was a wee lil’ bitch, like 6 or 7, I decided that I was over my hair on a day I was left home alone with our housekeeper. This was also the day that my BFF was having her birthday party at McDonald’s. As a former fat kid, OM NOM NOM! Why did we ever stop having birthday parties at McDonald’s? Do you think they’d let us BYOB for my 29th if we promise to stay in the Playland? Homeless people do it all the time and they don’t even ask for permission sooo …. Anyways, before I got dropped off at the party, I took to the shears, Miley Cyrus’d the shit out of my hair and refused to be dressed. When my dad came to pick me up, he looked me straight in the face and scanned the crowd for a solid five minutes before realizing that the dirty little orphan in the corner was actually his daughter.
When my mom got home the next day, I obviously had to blame my dykey do on my dad — He cut off my rat tail! I was pissed. But he called me out on my shit and did not let me get away with it. From deep down in my stomach, I thought, with every inch of me, I pure, straight hate you. But goddammit, do I respect you! And he’s continued to call me on my shit to this very day, which I appreciate. That isn’t always easy for dads to do with their daughters. Especially nowadays, when calling kids out on their shit means catching them posting their tits on Instagram. So this week’s playlist is all about daddys. Thanks for keeping it real, Dad. Without you, I’d still be blaming everything on other people and may never have learned all the lyrics to the soundtrack of Cats.
MORE IN DADS:
If you thought your dad was long-winded, try being the daughter of Aaron Sorkin. (Time)
Senators skipped a NSA briefing this weekend to fly home to their families for Father’s Day because they already heard their wives mention steak on the phone to the butcher earlier in the week. (Boing Boing)
If Kanye’s daughter learns nothing else from her dad, at least she’ll know NO ALCOHOL BEFORE TATTOOS. (Buzz Feed)
Hate your dad? Don’t worry. So does Insane Clown Posse.(Jezebel)
This Father’s Day gift guide from Vice does not include drugs or prostitutes. Sorry, Michael Lohan. (Vice)
Speaking of terrible dads, whatever happened to Rick Moranis after he shrunk the kids? (Flavorwire)
No one likes to hear their parents talk about sex. So be thankful your dad isn’t Rick Ross. (GQ)
Arrested Development Father’s Day cards for the special Pop Pop in your life. (Flavorwire)