Your Mom

13 May

May 13 – May 19, 2013

Yesterday was Mother’s Day! If you forgot, you either do not have a mother, conveniently hate your mother or do not engage in social media. Speaking of which, why and how do all of you assholes have vintage photos of your family laying around? We get it — You were kind of a cute kid and your mom had feathered hair and wore ankle-grazing Laura Ashley dresses with giant sailor collars. 10 bucks says all of those pics end up on BuzzFeed later today.

I am definitely my mother’s daughter though. Especially now that I have stemless wine glasses. I’m pretty sure my mom taught me the value of 3 Buck Chuck before I was legally able to drink, but I have mad love for my cheap palate. When you drink half a bottle of Cab every night, you can’t be bothered with depth of flavor and tannins and grapeskins and shit. I need it to go down easy, get me buzzed and not make me poor. Please and thank you.

I’ve learned other things from my mom, of course. Like how to TP-line a seat in a public restroom (lest you want to catch AIDS), how to spend 3 hours in Target and how not to drive a car in the fast lane on the interstate. It couldn’t have been easy to be my mom from ages 12 – 18 though. I was totally cunty. Not like, quite as cunty as grown-up Kim Kardashian, but still pretty cunty. Especially that time that I had one too many wine coolers in 9th grade, puked in a bathroom sink while sitting on the toilet and then told my mom it was because I had eaten like, 5 slices of pizza when she caught me. I mean, how fucking embarrassing to find out your kid was drinking wine coolers.

I also regularly called her mean names, yelled at her in front of my friends and scratched the entire left side of her car when I used it to sneak out with my friend Amy and clipped our house all the way down the driveway. To be fair, that driveway was WAY too narrow for a Land Cruiser. So Mom, if you’re reading this (which I really hope you’re not because I’m fully aware of how unladylike the word “cunty” is), I’m sorry, I love you and I know I’m going to get it back ten-fold when I birth my own small monster one day. I won’t blame you one bit if you laugh in my face when my child starts puking up Mike’s Hard Lemonade Lite or some equally terrible shit. So in honor of moms, this week’s playlist is stacked with some of the greatest mothers in music (great for their music, not for their mom-ing skills because, I mean, Courtney Love):


Yo mama so stupid, she heard it was chilly outside and went to grab a bowl.

Being a mom is hard, says Victoria Beckham. Womp womp. Know what else is hard, Posh Spice? Your husband’s INSANE abs. Deal with it.

Then there’s this other crazy British bitch who forcefully inseminated her daughter because she couldn’t have more children on her own. And here I thought my mom was crazy for asking me to make my bed every day.

“Between your legs there are two soft, cushiony things, also covered with hair, which press together when you’re standing, so you can’t see what’s inside.” Anne Frank wrote this about finding her vageen in an attic while hiding out from the Nazis and a mother in Michigan is PISSED because she forgot her vageen existed until 50 Shades of Grey came out.

I watched 5 minutes of Teen Mom Farrah Abraham’s porno and I was neither turned on nor impressed. Oh wait sorry, it’s not a porno, it’s a “personal video” for which she hired someone to bang her in the butt at noon when the light was really good.

“It’s hard to grow up. Sometimes we just need moms. Moms to tell us everything’s okay.” And Kid President to tell us ALL THE THINGS, ALL THE TIME. So flipping cute.

BONUS: Here’s some songs about moms, including one from Mr. T:

“A Song for Mama” – Boyz II Men
“Mama Liked the Roses” – Elvis Presley
“The Biggest Fan” – Backstreet Boys
“The Best Day” – Taylor Swift
“Oh Mother” – Christina Aguilera
“Tell Mama” – Etta James
“Mama Said” – The Shirelles
“Mother and Child Reunion” – Paul Simon
“Mama” – Spice Girls
“Mama’s Song” – Carrie Underwood
“Sadie” – The Spinners
“Mama Said” – Metallica
“Motherlover” – The Lonely Island
“Treat Your Mother Right” – Mr. T [no joke]
“Mama Can You Hear Me” – Talib Kweli
“Look What You’ve Done” – Drake
“Mama” – The Dream
“Coat of Many Colors” – Dolly Parton
“Dear Mama” – Tupac
“Superwoman” – Alicia Keys
“Hey Mama” – Kanye West
“I Love My Momma” – Snoop Dogg


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