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Whoomp! There It Is.

1 May

May 1, 2013

 

Loves

In this interview with Ellen, Diane Keaton is like my mom with chardonnay during Dancing With the Stars. (Drunk.)

Everything Beyonce does is just a barrage of hair, hips and giant wing-flaps. Despite understanding this, I think I was just hypnotized into buying a bikini top with an attached cape from H&M.

“Luckily, the 80-year old had a colonoscopy scheduled,” and this is probably the only time a colonoscopy was lucky for anyone.

Khloe Kardashian is the only K from the Klan I could ever imagine being friends with and she looks GOOD, y’all. She could stand to get rid of the platform Timbs, but other than that, I would totally buy whatever non-FDA-approved diet pill she’s been using.

Brad Goreski gives fashion advice to the Game of Thrones characters. Who else wants to see Joffrey embrace his inner Liberace??!!

Hates

If Twitter is the new resume, I hope potential employers aren’t offended by my affinity for CAPSLOCK (and/or the word “fuck”).

Stop trying to make Rita Ora happen, Gretchen Elle.

I hate this because I live this and in case you care, I’m currently in the final stages of West Nile Monkey Flu.

This is what you get for trying a healthy alternative. Poop. You get poop.

RIP George Jones and EL Konigsburg.

Do Me

Brooklyn Flea Record Fair (Saturday, May 4: 11am @ the Williamsburg Waterfront): Get there early while the picks are still pretentious!

Run the Cinco de Mayo 5K on Sunday (Prospect Park, 11am) and then go eat your weight in queso dip.

Orrrrr maybe just skip the run and go straight for The Thrillest Taco Knockout (1-5pm @ Villian in BK), where a $45 ticket gets you unlimited cervezas, unlimited micheladas & five tacos. Yeah. Skip the run.

Eat Me

Potato chip-covered mac and cheese: Creamy, crunchy, a super-tasty dish that I will undoubtedly make for my boyfriend while weeping over a salad.

Whoomp! There It Is.

24 Apr

April 24, 2013

Loves

New and Necessary Punctuation Marks: I can think of about 13 recent instances where I could have used Sarcastises and about every instance where a Morgan Freemark would be necessary.

Typical Coachella assholes acting like typical Coachella assholes. I had SO much fun at the Vaginal Revival Family Band, you guys.

This video of an adult son and his mother dancing together under water (with choreography, not like, freestyle flailing) made me cry before noon. It’s ADORABLE.

Ryan Lochte is the closest thing to a real life Zoolander this world has ever seen. And I’m real glad these news anchors are in on the joke.

I’m a sucker for books (so unique, right?) and movies about/made for teenagers. I do not feel like this is creepy or weird and OTHER ADULTS LIKE THEM TOO. Here’s a great list of teen movies based on books.

Hates

Kris Jenner is terrible enough to be the only thing I post about in this category this week. I do not care for her AT ALL and that is DEFINITELY the nicest way I could bring myself to say that. However, if she is, as she claims, the “Queen of Fucking Everything,” then I am also TERRIFIED of her vagina’s scepter and will Anne Frank myself in my apartment the next time she and her Klan of Krazy are in New York.

Do Me

Match Game ’13 @ The Canal Room (Thursday, April 25th @ 7:30pm): I might have to put everything about my life on hold to attend this event. Free custard, Jason Sudeikis (Ug. And my arch nemesis/his to-be-wedded wench, Olivia Wilde), Fred Armisen, TRIVIA and a Betty White look-a-like contest? I mean … You had me at free custard, but I’ll stay for the rest. (But on a serious note, the proceeds from this show will go to Dave Eggers’ writing program for kids and will be matched by Viacom, so please go and support young writers if you can!)

Pretend to be sophisticated and artsy and in-the-know by catching a flick at the Tribeca Film Festival. Don’t know where to start? Get informed here and for the love of everything holy, do NOT like a typical Coachella asshole. (April 17th – 28th)

Eat Me

Olive Oil, Saffron, Orange & Caramel Ice Cream: I feel like these things should never and always go together.

Slurp me, shuck me, fork me: Oysters! A tutorial on how to ingest those slimy little suckers.

Whoomp! There It Is.

10 Apr

April 10, 2013

Loves

Pick it, PAC it, fire it up! Two bros in Oregon have organized a Super PAC for the legalization of marijuana.

More proof that Mr. Rodgers was all things good. He gives all the fucks.

The Morning After Pill: Now available for everyone without the judgey looks!

David Sedaris is one of my literary idols, a fellow North Carolinian and someone I want to be friends with. His new hobby is picking up trash. Read this interview about said hobby and why he’s fine with eating horse meat.

I am totally going to watch this new Animal Planet series about river monsters. And then never get in the river again.

George Carlin was pretty much the best. Reddit unearthed this interview between him and a pre-Daily Show Jon Stewart (who is also pretty much the best) in 1997 — Right before Stewart started looking at things ON WEEEEED, MAN.

Kelly Oxford might just be my new spirit animal. If my spirit animal had kids and a husband. And a tan. (She has a book out.)

Hates

Hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ thighs: Twinkies are back. Ug! I can just HEAR you getting fatter, America.

OH GOD CANNOT UNSEE. Walt Jr. is trying to get his sexy on. Aunt Marie is still pretty freaked.

This was almost a “loves,” but I don’t need hate mail yet. C is for Crappy Day, which is what Cookie Monster is having after he shoved a small child in Times Square when the kid’s mom refused to tip him. Shame!

A fake Exxon Twitter account was shut down after Exxon told the teacher that they were getting made fun of for spilling SO MUCH OIL in Arkansas. If there’s one thing I hate more than someone who ruins everything, it’s Exxon. I mean, a tattletale.

On the real. Seriously. Stop tanning. Find another T to add to your GTL routine like, “Talk to friends” or “Try to touch toes.”

Do Me

Five Boro Story Project Presents: “I’m Tawkin’ Here!” (see also: “Get da’ fuck oudda heeyyyyeeeaah!”): Storytelling with a New Yawk accent. Coming to a different borough every Wednesday this month.

Eat Me

GET IN MY BELLY, bready, cheesy, pizza burger! You will be mine.

Egg muffins. Eat your heart out. And not even in like, a quasi-literal way because they are healthy.

Whoomp! There It Is.

3 Apr

April 3, 2013

Loves

iPhone stickers: Adorable. Take my money. Also, call Lisa Frank and tell her she’s needed.

Which one of you queens is going to buy me a Cabernet at the gay dog bar?

Apparently, taking a walk in the park makes your brain less lollygaggy.

More proof that drinking red wine every night makes you healthy, not an alcoholic.

The weirdest marriage equality signs on the internet. Because nobody loves a supportive movement more than memes.

The pot smoke has settled and Rihanna has seen the light! Looks like she and Chris Brown are finished.

Hates

Wait. WTF. Chris Brown and Rihanna might be getting married? If she’s dumb enough to do that, I hope he wears this terrible shirt to the reception. It is NOT going to photograph well.

It took me YEARS to get over my fear of bees after My Girl. Now you’re telling me THIS?

Go home, James Franco. You’re drunk.

Running into the same mean old lady EVERY day in my office’s tiny kitchen. No link, just a gripe. She eats what looks to be baby food and makes judgey eyes at my Lean Cuisines. LAY OFF ME, I’M STARVING (myself. I’m literally starving myself).

Kim Kardashian’s maternity wear: I don’t care how curvy she gets. I just feel like these outfits are suffocating her AND her unborn child somehow.

I have said it before and I’ll said it again: I refuse to believe that culottes are back.

Do Me

Cheryl’s Weekend at Basquiat’s (Friday, April 5th @ Music Hall of Williamsburg): I definitely don’t remember the days of New York when “girls just wanted to have fun, people were dancing on the ceiling, and George Michael was straight,” but I WANT TO GO THERE.

Brooklyn Flea! It’s back (Saturday, April 6th @ 10am, officially). Which means that hipsters wearing tight black jeans in 90 degree weather are RIGHT around the corner!

Eat Me

Oreo Truffle Stuffed Cupcakes. There’s almost nothing I’d rather put in my mouth. [I already beat you to the “That’s what she said” joke, so don’t even bother … but definitely still laugh about it.]

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