WERK IT OUT

6 May

May 6 – May 12, 2013

Not to be one of those obnoxious, delusional, “I know I’m not like, FAT fat, but right now I just really feel … fat,” people who’s all like, “It’s about to be bathing suit season and I need to lose 10 lbs STAT,” but it’s about to be bathing suit season and I need to lose 10 lbs STAT.

No matter how fat you think you are, nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Just kidding. I do not subscribe to Kate Moss-isms. Mainly because I cannot relate to any part of her life. If I had that much money, I’d be eating all gourmet cheeses, all.the.time. What I really meant to say was: No matter how fat you think you are, at the end of the day, all of us just want to be comfortable. And for me, summer comfort means not feeling like Gwyneth Paltrow’s character in Shallow Hal when she jumps into a pool and basically creates a tsunami.

So in an effort to protect those around me from drowning, I’ve started going back to the gym. I don’t mind the sweating part so much as I do the people part. For example:

1. Skinny people: The gym is for fatties, flabbies and average white girls with cellulite. You’re making us feel bad if we have to watch you  get “toned” while we try not to suffocate in a sportsbra.

2. Fatties: Gross. So red and sweaty! Nobody wants to see that.

3. Scented people: Have you ever gotten like, SO wasted one night and then briskly walked to brunch the next day, sans shower, and like, halfway through your jalapeno-infused egg white Mexican omelet souffle with wheat toast and turkey bacon, you get really hot and suddenly you’re sweating and your sweat smells JUST like the seven jalapeno-infused margaritas you had last night when you were like, SO wasted? Yeah? It’s not cute, right? Okay, well neither is your cheap-ass, designer-impostor Bath & Body Works Vanilla Bean perfume-spritz-shit when you’re sweating next to me on a treadmill. I’m gagging. Can you not see me gagging?

4. Anorexics: We get it. You’re working just as hard as the rest of us to be skinny.

5. Pregnant Kim Kardashian: Granted, I have never seen her at my gym, but I have seen enough photos of her chin-grazing cleavage in self-suffocating sports tops to last me from now until forever. I’m sure Jessica Simpson has a few spare caftans she can borrow.

After you get past the people part, the gym’s not so bad as long as you have non-see-through Lululemons and music to get your ass in gear. You’re going to have to deal with the glorified yoga pants on your own (or glorified swim trunks for dudes) , but try my treadmill playlist on for size this week and I DARE YOU to tell me that One Direction doesn’t make you run for your fucking life.

MORE IN GETTING SKINNY:

CrossFit has a class called “Tough Titsday” and people are offended. Shocker. People need to calm down, stop worrying about semantics and get their tits in gear. I could do without the slogan, “get your estrogen on” though. That just makes me feel weepy.

Here’s some photos of what 43-year-old Jennifer Lopez looks like in a bathing suit these days, in case you need some thinspiration to hang on your fridge next to that Dominos coupon.

This new commercial for a plus-size men’s clothing store leads me to believe that mixing plaids is every fat man’s dream.

SAVASANA, you guys. It’s good for your genes.

How cute is Ellie Goulding? So cute that I don’t even hate her for her bogus workout playlist picks.

Werk it out? Try TWERK IT OUT! (Just not in public)

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