DOLLA DOLLA BILLS, Y’ALL

1 Apr

April 1- April 7, 2013

Buzz Bissinger does not have a leather fetish. He swears! The Friday Night Lights author recently penned a confessional for GQ, that documents his apparent addiction to shopping, Gucci and retardedly expensive leather garments.

“I own eighty-one leather jackets, seventy-five pairs of boots, forty-one pairs of leather pants, thirty-two pairs of haute couture jeans, ten evening jackets, and 115 pairs of leather gloves,” he says.

I find it hard to believe that the man owns forty-one pairs of leather pants and none of them take him to Bonertown. Regardless, he seems pretty distraught about this whole “being rich” problem. His habits also makes me feel like I’m basically shooting up my online shopping cart items intravenously and now I feel dirty and guilty and am going to have to find a way to reapply the tags I just ripped off of my recent purchases. HEAVY SIGH.

So I mean, I guess congrats on your confession or whatever, Buzz. I can’t really feel bad for you though when you tell us things like binge shopping sessions come with free prosecco. I also kind of want to hate you when you say things like “During the Gucci trip a fellow invitee said I looked like “Bon Jovi,” a compliment that at this point in my life means more to me than any piece of writing.” But truth be told, I love Tim Riggins way too much to hate the man that created him. So in honor of Buzz’s definitely-not-a-fetish addiction to spending mad monies on leather, this week’s theme is all about the Benjamins, baby.

MORE IN MONEY:

Last year, 20,000 people ate a $26 hotdog. It weighs three pounds, all of which will no doubt go directly to and/or out of your ass.

Diddy pops tags harder than Hov, which means people other than Aaron Paul, Michael K. Williams and Chad Michael Murray (wtf, right?) are actually drinking Ciroc.

I will happily allow someone to pay me to play fooseball in a robot costume.

Shirtless, heavily tatted Ryan Gosling counting money (which also doubles as a review for The Place Beyond the Pines, or whatever).

Is anyone surprised that Todd “legitimate rape” Akin doubled the salaries of his staff after his November defeat, assumably just to be a dick to all the Missouri taxpayers (everyone) that didn’t get him re-elected? Government spending is “out of control,” right Todd?

There’s a guy in Germany who barters instead of spending money “to show the world how misguided we’ve become about our material possessions and excess consumption, especially of food.” Naturally, he’s really skinny.

Amazon paid $150 million for Goodreads. They overpaid. I’ll recommend books to you for a cool million AND tell you if you look fat in those (leather) pants.

Hey wait! Check back on Wednesday for some mid-week goodness.

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